Lets talk about emotions

Eliza Wells, MS, LMFT

Pronouns: she/her, they/them

Staff Psychotherapist

As therapists, we talk a lot about emotions and are even sometimes referred to as “feelings doctors.” This is an interesting reference, because it might imply that emotions are problems that need to be fixed – mental illnesses that need to be treated toward a ‘cure’ just as we go to doctors for physical illnesses. And since therapists do operate within a diagnostic framework, we have to be aware of not pathologizing the things that actually make us human beings. However, mental illnesses are not the exact same as physical illnesses.

Here are some things that we hope for our clients to know about emotions:

There are no “good” or “bad” emotions.

There are emotions that might be more comfortable or uncomfortable, pleasant or unpleasant, for an individual. But what feels unpleasant to one person may feel less so to another. 

Some people love feeling angry because it motivates them, while some people hate it because it makes them feel out of control. Some people seek enjoyable levels of sadness and will even choose to indulge in it by watching sad movies or listening to sad music, experiencing crying and tears as a cathartic release, while others will avoid anything that brings up this feeling at all costs because it leaves them feeling drained. 

Many folx consider feelings like happiness and connection to be universally pleasurable, but for some individuals who may have experienced trauma and adversity paired with these feelings, these sensations might not feel safe - and instead may be experienced as unpleasant or even threatening. 

This is why we as therapists take so much care and patience to avoid judgment and jumping to conclusions about what our clients might be experiencing - we have not had your lived experiences, we may not share your same goals, and we may not feel things the same way in our bodies as you do in yours. 

Emotions are neither positive or negative in their own right, they are simply indicators, tools, or bodily cues for how we are interpreting our experience. And when we can tune into them rather than trying to pursue some and avoid others, we can learn a lot about ourselves. 

A feeling is like a check engine light. Are you someone who sees that light and decides to ignore it until the car breaks down? Or, are you someone who is so worried something must be wrong with the car anytime the light comes on that you have to pull over, or even that you don’t even trust that if the light is off the car is ok?

A feeling is a sign to check underneath the hood. You don’t need to process and fully feel every emotion that you experience immediately throughout the day, but you do need to make a note to yourself to pull over at the next rest stop and take a peak when you can. 

Having a lot of emotions or a high-intensity emotion does not mean there is something wrong with you.

It is normal to find some emotions uncomfortable in our bodies, because our feelings are trying to tell us something about our experience. 

While there are certain presentations of emotions that are associated with certain diagnoses (i.e. Depression with a level of ‘flatness’ or ‘numbness’ from certain emotions, which also might show up as anger or sadness), emotions themselves are not pathological. In fact, pretty much any emotional experience can be considered “normal” or “ok” for an individual within context. 

Sometimes strong, sudden, and persistent emotion is a completely rational and human response to stressful situations, environments, and transitions. 

If you notice experiencing shame and guilt around your emotional experience or telling yourself that you ‘should’ feel a certain way or ‘shouldn’t’ experience something, consider that this narrative is more of an issue than the emotion itself.

“Negative” emotions are a part of life and therapy won’t “cure” or “fix” them:

Emotions are not problems to be solved, they are a sign that you are a person with an emotional experience - as you should be!

If you come in with a goal to stop feeling anxious, sad, depressed, or angry ever again, consider that you’re asking to avoid being human. Emotional control is a myth. Emotions are involuntary. Your response to your emotions is where you have control – behavior is the voluntary part. I wouldn’t recommend ignoring feelings to avoid behaviors, however. It’s a bit more complicated than that.

The more a person attempts to avoid anxiety, for example, the more likely they are to actually continue to feel quite anxious. When you try to avoid an emotion, the emotion is still there – you’re just choosing not to attend to it. Since we know anxiety typically comes from unknowns, lack of control, and avoidance, efforts to ignore or eliminate this emotion will cause you to actually reinforce it.

Therapy can help you consider when and how to respond to your emotional experience, and it is possible that your emotional experience will change over time naturally.

There is no “normal.”

Therapists will often be asked if a client’s emotional experience is ‘normal.’ There is no such thing. So the answer is essentially yes.

Any and all emotional experiences are valid because they do not inherently indicate anything about your worth, capacity, or hummaness, aside from the fact that you have them. 

Perhaps the real subtext underneath this is “is my experience ok? Will you judge me for it? Is it too much/not enough/incorrect?”

So much of what folks experience is ‘normal,’ and yet many of them experience a lot of shame and guilt about it because of how little we talk openly about emotions. 

Emotional control is a myth.

It’s often framed as ‘self awareness,’ ‘self control,’ or even ‘mindfulness’ when a person does not express emotions or reports not having many of them.

Any emotional experience is valid, but denying that one is at all present can indicate avoidance or intellectualization (which can be a form of emotional avoidance).

It can be helpful to compartmentalize our emotions and make sense of them through theory, introspection, and pattern recognition, but this isn’t inherently ‘more mindful’ or evolved than just feeling your feelings. 

Contact us today if you’d like to learn more about our services and how we can support you on your journey towards healing and recovery. You deserve validation, understanding, and compassionate care.

At Sage Stone Counseling, we hold that everyone should have the right to mental health care. We focus on providing affirming and safe therapeutic space to marginalized groups of all kinds, and are here to help. If you or a loved one is seeking support from a therapist, consider contacting us today.