Open and Relationships and Ethical Non-Monogamy: A Crash Course Guide to a Healthy, Non-Traditional Relationship

Relationships, like people, come in all shapes and sizes, each infinitely unique in its strengths, trials, and tribulations. There is no healthy relationship without conflict and difficulty–this is unavoidable–there is only a relationship where the disagreements feel manageable for each partner and the benefits of working through them outweigh the loss of the relationship.

There are 3 Factors that Qualify the Health of a Relationship:

• Each partners’ full consent and participation

• Clear and honest communication

• A shared definition of what the relationship should be (or an acceptance of this lack of consensus)

An open relationship is no different.

Is it really that simple? Well, the short answer is yes. And the long answer is…

The more partners that are involved in a relationship, oftentimes the more difficult it is to meet those three conditions. Even in a dyadic relationship (which is a relationship that includes two people), partners run into all sorts of roadblocks to staying attuned to one another. And technically, there is no such thing as a relationship that is only between two people. There are infinite interfering variables: occupations, children, domestic responsibilities, friends, family members, hobbies, in-laws. You get the picture. All of these factors can get in the way. And now imagine adding more people to the intimate partnership–and all of their variables–their lived experiences, previous relationships, wants and needs (and potentially other current partners), as well! 

It sounds a bit overwhelming, doesn’t it? But an open or non-dyadic relationship is not impossible or doomed to fail, and it is not inherently less intimate than a monogamous one, either. In fact, conquering adversities (when done well) actually bonds partners closer together. Because these sorts of relationships present more opportunities for rupture, they also present more opportunities to build trust, effective communication, and joint meaning around what is valued in the relationship. 

All of the factors that can impact a monogamous relationship in a healthy or unhealthy way carry over– all that separates them is the way in which they are handled.

So what do these factors look like in a non-monogamous relationship?

Full Consent and Participation 

Any relationship should be consensual–but in the context of a non-monogamous relationship, the decision to open it in whatever way it is being opened– emotionally, sexually, financially, domestically, must be agreed on by all partners. However, this does not mean that all partners have to participate in utilizing these open parameters. 

For example, sometimes a couple might decide to open up their relationship because one partner has lost interest or ability to have a sexual relationship. This will not be healthy if that partner allows the relationship to open out of guilt for denying their partner access to this aspect of their relationship–in this way it is not fully consensual, and both partners are not participating in the decision to open it. If, however, the couple is genuinely on the same page about this as a solution, it is not inherently a problem just because only one person is going to “act” on the openness, because there is no imbalance of power where there is full consent. 

This consent and participation carries over to other partners, couples, or groups beyond the one in question. For example, if one member of a couple is involved with another member of a couple, all four partners need to be consenting to the dynamic, because they are all participating in it. 

This is predominantly what delineates an open or ethically non-monogamous relationship from infidelity–it has to be fully consensual, and not retroactively. This means that before any actions are taken outside of the relationship, consent should be gained by all parties.

Consent can also change at any time, and this is valid. So even if a relationship started under the definition of being open or closed, a partner can at any time decide that this is no longer serving their needs. However, this does not immediately change the relationship contract. 

It is up to each individual to continually be making an evaluation of whether a relationship is serving their needs or not and to communicate this to their partner. So while it can be devastating and jarring to suddenly realize that your relationship might not be what it once was or what you have signed on for, it is up to you to decide and communicate genuinely whether you consent to a dynamic or not. And if you don’t consent but your partner or partner(s) do not respect this, it is your responsibility to consider ending your participation in the relationship. 

One of the most important parts of consent is that as an adult, it is your responsibility to deny consent to something that is not in line with your values. If you really like someone and want to be in a relationship with them, but the type of relationship they want isn’t going to work for you, it is not a good idea to continue in that relationship with the hope that this will change or that this person will change what they need. This is dishonest. 

Trying to “strong-arm” or force your partner into changing their own values or aligning within the relationship to fit the type of relationship that you want is not only unlikely to be effective, it creates a power struggle that muddles into the territory of not being fully consensual. 

Clear and Honest Communication

It’s important to note that “cheating” or infidelity can still exist in a non-monogamous relationship. When the initial condition of consent is not met, there is a violation of the expectations of the relationship. It is crucial to communicate where, for each party, the boundaries are around what specifically is consented to and what is not. For example, a relationship might be open for certain sexual acts and not others, so that some things are still classified as a violation of the relationship. For some people, infidelity begins at the sign of an emotional connection or intentional engagement with another person in an emotionally intimate way. For others it begins at sexual contact, and for others still, it does not exist at all. 

What can get more complicated here, is when sexual or physical boundaries are put in place with the expectation that emotional boundaries will follow suit. But our feelings are unpredictable, so this can potentially lead to unanticipated ruptures. 

Sometimes a couple has a conversation about boundaries with every good intention, but they aren’t completely aware of what you can voluntarily control and what you can’t. For example, a person cannot control who or what they are attracted to, so it would not be feasible to promise never to look at anyone else besides one's partner. Interacting with other people is a normal part of everyday life–and it’s only natural to notice when someone is attractive to us. You might instead focus a boundary on how to respond to this attraction. For example, agreeing that you will not intentionally put yourself in positions to spend one-on-one time alone with this person. But of course there are some contexts where this is not possible, for example if this person is a coworker or a family friend. 

It is a relatively common rupture for couples who open their relationship to do so with the intention of only opening it sexually, and then to find that on one or both sides feelings have developed outside of the defined relationship. This is because feelings, attractions, and attachments are not voluntary. It is not reasonable to promise not to get attached to external partners. This is why it’s important to be realistic about boundaries that focus on actions and responses rather than feelings.

For example, despite whatever feelings a person might develop, they can still promise to maintain actions that contribute to their attachment to their primary partner, which might include communication and honesty about tracking these feelings and making choices about whether to close the relationship or alter boundaries around it. 

Just because a relationship is open or non-monogamous at one time, doesn’t mean that it has to stay that way forever, regardless of the impact on the partnership. Part of communication about opening a relationship should involve discussing priorities and planning for how it should be handled if feelings are developed or one partner becomes uncomfortable–does one person have the ability to ask for the relationship to close or for a specific partnership to end? If not, that is something that might impact a person’s decision to agree to open a relationship in the first place, and it may still lead to the dissolution of the relationship, even if partners initially agree that it won’t–because feelings are unpredictable and can’t be controlled for.

It is not reasonable to set a boundary that your partner cannot be upset in response to something because they consented to it. They are allowed to feel whatever it is that they feel. However, if that partner then revokes that consent and considers this situation infidelity, this is also not reasonable. Feelings can lead to altered future boundaries, but they cannot alter previous boundaries and agreements.  

Communication needs to be ongoing just like consent, because feelings, values, and what you’re comfortable with are allowed to change at any time. This does not mean that you can hold someone at fault for engaging in something that you consented to if you realize after the fact that it causes pain or discomfort, but it does mean that you are allowed to change your mind about whether something is ok with you in the relationship going forward–and the other person is allowed to decide whether they’re amenable to that or not.

Because needs, feelings, comfort and boundaries often change, couples can often feel that their partner must have not been honest with them from the start when something unexpected shows up, and this can lead to distrust, power struggles, and resentment. It’s crucial to keep in mind that relationships (whether open or closed) will always change over time with the people who are in them, and that this doesn’t mean anyone was pretending to be something they were not.

Relationships are living beings that grow, change, and fluctuate to accommodate the changes within us as individuals–and sometimes individuals change to the degree that a relationship between them is no longer feasible to maintain without stifling one or both people. This is true in all relationships, but this reality can seem more apparent or daunting in open relationships where there is more change and new experiences being brought into the relationship at a quicker pace.

And this leads to the final point to consider–having a shared definition of what the relationship should be.

A Shared Definition of Relationship

If a couple is often arguing about how a relationship “should” be or how their partner “should” act to show love, this is a sign of lacking a shared definition of a healthy relationship.

Just like the other factors discussed above, this can cause issues in monogamous relationships as well. 

Statements like “if you really loved me, you would___” indicate attempts to impart one’s own values  about what a relationship should be on someone else. But the truth is, what a healthy relationship looks like varies immensely from person to person, and if you find yourself in a position of trying to convince someone of what this is–it’s a good time to stop and ask yourself why. Why does it feel important to you to be in a relationship with this person, and why does it feel so important for it to be this way? 

Liking or loving someone is not all that it takes to make a relationship work. In fact, people can get so stuck on being attached to someone that they throw all of their own values and needs straight out the window–or they try to make that person do the same. And that’s never going to be a fully consensual relationship. Even if you can convince someone to choose being with you over all of these things they thought they wanted in a relationship, they are leaving parts of themselves behind which is going to lead to an imbalance of values, consent, and full communication. 

It's up to each individual to make the call on what they want vs. what they need in a relationship, what they can compromise on, and what they can’t–and these things sometimes have little to nothing to do with how much they actually care about or love the person in front of them. 

Loving each other's company, having a great sexual relationship, sharing interests, and feeling comfortable with one another can be parts of a healthy relationship–but so is wanting the same type of relationship, and being in love isn’t always enough to override this. 

It’s important to be realistic with one another about the type of relationship that feels in line with your values and whether this is compatible with the type of relationship your partner wants and is capable of. While a person’s definition of a healthy relationship might change over time, it’s pretty unlikely to change quite drastically, and it’s much more likely that it will continue to cause conflict between you and be experienced as a rejection of you as a person rather than simply an incompatibility.

For example, having a definition of relationship that involves sacrificing anything and everything in order to stay with the person isn’t inherently wrong–but could bring with it a lot of loss of self.

Alternatively, having a definition of a relationship that involves prioritizing one’s own wants over one’s partner’s needs isn’t inherently wrong either–but it’s not going to be conducive to a long-term, intimate relationship. 

Being mindful about your definition of a relationship and intentional about aligning it with your values is crucial to crafting a relationship that’s going to be the most meaningful to you, no matter what that looks like. 

In summary, there is so much more to consider in the decision of whether or how to open one’s relationship than simply a desire to have more partners. And if the decision is fueled in part by a desire to diminish the level of commitment, communication, or emotional intimacy being asked of you-this is probably not the long term solution you’re looking for. 

At Sage Stone Counseling, we offer couple’s therapy options that include all different structures of relationships and consider the needs of all partners. 

Contact us today if you’d like to learn more about our services and how we can support you on your journey towards healing and recovery. You deserve validation, understanding, and compassionate care.

At Sage Stone Counseling, we hold that everyone should have the right to mental health care. We focus on providing affirming and safe therapeutic space to marginalized groups of all kinds, and are here to help. If you or a loved one is seeking support from a therapist, consider contacting us today.